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Have you ever been in a relationship where although there’s some joy, passion and excitement, when you’re brutally honest it’s clear you regularly bring out the worst in each other?

Or perhaps it’s a little more passive. Maybe you just prevent each other from shining?

Many years ago I wrote a post about breaking up with beer. I admitted that the pain of not getting to stay my ideal body shape was a compelling (if slightly superficial) enough motivation to make beer my ex. It really wasn’t the toughest break-up though… because beer has some pretty cool friends who are not nearly as detrimental to my body. Cheer’s to vodka and Shiraz.

This weekend I did quite a bit of Cheers’ing with my friends vodka and Shiraz. And for the first time in perhaps ever I started to really question what my number one vice of choice gave me? Also what it cost me?

If YOU have a number one vice. Potentially the thing you’ve regularly said: “I’d never give up” I’d love for you to consider that vice right now as I share what I’ve been considering today.

When I’m brutally honest I don’t drink because it’s an easy reward after a long day or because I love the taste. Though both are true.

The reason I drink is to chill. To numb myself a little. To take time out from whatever I’m dissatisfied with.

As I think about that it doesn’t sound a sound, healthy strategy. It sounds utterly incongruent to the person I am in every other area of my health and life. Generally, I like to think of my body and I as a team. I want the best for my body. I give it great fuel and awesome exercise. I prioritize sleep, meditation and gratitude. And then, regularly I numb it into submission with booze.

In todays show I’m discussing:

How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Vice.

So back to your number one vice. Yes, I’m assuming you have one as I’m yet to meet someone who doesn’t: What does it give you?

Is it a reliable, cost effective reward? An excuse to procrastinate? A way to calm (or numb!) your mind?

On balance, does it deliver more joy and benefits than what it costs you?

• Regularly the vice you consume might limit your ability to reach your health goal. Either due to it’s high caloric density or if it’s alcohol because it makes you both more likely to consume high caloric density food and less likely to exercise the next morning.
• Does your vice instigate a downward spiral of less than ideal actions?
• Does it inhibit your commitment to and effectiveness with other important aspects of your life like: career, family and continuing education?
• Perhaps it’s a more passive cost – like a nagging in-congruency between the person you believe yourself to be and the actions you consistently take?

If you’re of the mind that you don’t currently have A Healthy Relationship With Vice you’re in the right spot!

These 7 tips are for both of us:

One: Uncover the true Secondary Gain your vice gives you.

This is the secret benefit. Often the thing your vice allows you to avoid. In this sense your vice is a bandaid with side effects. It doesn’t fix the problem and it also has it’s own drawbacks.

The next time you’re tempted to turn to your vice ask yourself,

First: What am I trying to avoid? 

Next: How will I feel after I’ve indulged?

Finally: Is there true value is this vice right now?

Two: Identify which of your 6 Core Needs your vice meets.

If your vice meets your 6 core needs (and if you’re addicted to it, it likely meets at least 3) then it’s vital you find a replacement that more positively meets those same needs. I covered Tony Robbins 6 Core Needs in one of the most popular Healthification shows #046. Check out that show if you haven’t yet however in super brief recap, we all have a natural desire to satisfy each of the following needs:

1. CERTAINTY
2. VARIETY
3. SIGNIFICANCE
4. LOVE & CONNECTION
5. GROWTH
6. CONTRIBUTION

Three: Get clear on how Incongruent the old vice is with your values and beliefs. 

I’ve shared that an UN-healthy relationship with a vice like alcohol is not congruent with my belief that “I’m a fit, strong, healthy person that prioritizes what’s best for my body.”

To move away from me (!) how about the person who LOVES animals and is opposed to animal cruelty. And yet, has an addiction to cheese? Or ice cream? Or chocolate? Even before you’re consciously aware of it the incongruences between saying you’re a person who loves animals (Gosh you don’t even need to love them – perhaps you just believe they deserve to live free from pain and suffering) those incongruences between believing some animals are friends and some animals are food will be eating away at you at an unconscious level.

It’s why one of the many surprising benefits of adopting a vegan lifestyle is the HUGE feeling of relief you experience at no longer living a lie. No longer living in conflict with what you know to be true in your heart.

On another positive note to my fellow cheese, ice cream, chocolate (and whatever else!) lovers, anything can be veganised!

Four: Source the Mentors / community that either abstain or consume this vice infrequently or in moderation. 

I have a belief: “If someone can do it, anyone can do it!” Basically, whatever you want to do there will be an example of someone else succeeding in that regard for you to model / take inspiration from. The difficulty (to easily overcome) is that you likely won’t yet have “filtered in” these examples. With limitless information at our disposal, one of the most vital skills to get awesome at now is how you filter in information that serves you and filter out as much of the rest as possible. 

Before I was vegan I genuinely thought a fit, strong, healthy – ripped – vegan athlete was an oxymoron. Now my social media feeds are delightfully overflowing with such examples as I’ve sort them out! This filtering to your advantage is just as applicable to real (face to face) life as to social media. What you focus on expands. Right now I’m choosing to focus on all the successful people who either don’t drink or drink infrequently and I’m finding there are plenty to choose from.

Five: Source the Anti-mentors that are held back by their addiction / preoccupation with this vice.

I discussed the power of the anti-mentor recently in E582: The 5 Best Discipline Developing Tactics I Rely On Daily so I won’t go into detail here too. However something I’m starting to acknowledge as I get older is to stop kidding yourself that it’ll be different for you and learn from others mistakes rather than stubbornly insisting on making ALL the mistakes yourself!

I’m going to counter this with: In the positive / or so far as positive habits it’s great to assume it’ll be different for you. That you’ll stick with it and see the benefits. Yet so far as the negative, wherever possible side-step the heart ache and learn from your anti-mentor.

Six: Find a Reward (ideally not food!) to help strengthen the habit of breaking up with your ex. 

This might be investing the time or money spent on a vice on something that’s enjoyable and beneficial before, during AND after consuming or experiencing. So for example, you might look forward to alcohol before you drink it and you likely enjoy it while you’re drinking it.

The true test as to whether something is a valuable or even a harmless habit is how you feel after?

Perhaps 5pm “Cheers” becomes time to meditate and journal? That’ll only work if you see these things as a treat or reward though. You might direct previous vice funds to a holiday account or something you’d like to purchase at the end of a month or so however I’ve found that since vice tends to be about immediate gratification it’s most useful to find an equally immediate reward. Maybe just looking at the growing money you’re saving each day gives you a little endorphin hit or maybe you need to find a more tangible reward?

As with any positive habit worth building or negative habit worth eliminating / modifying it’s also worth multiple attempts to find what works for you.   A healthy relationship with vice is an ongoing commitment that’ll likely need constantly evolving strategies rather than a quick fix.

Seven: Consider the way you respond to Expectations and utilise this valuable self-knowledge. 

This final tip is relates to Gretchen Rubin’s amazing work on the four tendencies. To quote from “The Four Tendencies Quiz”

One of the daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people – including myself – to do what I want?” The Four Tendencies framework makes this task much easier by revealing whether a person is an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel.

In a nutshell:

• Upholders want to know what should be done. They respond readily to outer and inner expectations. 
• Questioners want justifications. They question all expectations. They’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense – essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations.
• Obligers need accountability. They’ll meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves
• Rebels want freedom to do something their own way. They resist all expectations, outer and inner alike.

For myself as a Questioner I’ve needed to answer A LOT of questions so far as the value in breaking up with alcohol. I asked and answered A LOT of questions before going vegan too. Once I see the value and decide I’m doing it, meeting my own expectations is all the accountability I need.

In full disclosure, as I started to plan this podcast I thought I might break up with alcohol for a week, a month or even always if it felt right.

A week in, I’m committed to a month and then I’ll reassess what alcohol is costing me and what exactly is A Healthy Relationship with (this particular) Vice? So far, I haven’t experienced any benefits however I’m committed to the process. As I shared with a dear client yesterday: “I feel like an impatient new exerciser who’s expecting ALL the results one week into a new exercise regime!”

When in reality alcohol does not inhibit my commitment to and effectiveness with other important aspects of life like: health, career, family and continuing education. So I guess this is to be continued.

To recap, on balance, does your number one vice deliver more joy and benefits than what it costs you?

If it’s a NO or a “I don’t think so!” here are those 7 tips again:

One: Uncover the true Secondary Gain your vice gives you.

Two: Identify which of your 6 Core Needs your vice meets.

Three: Get clear on how Incongruent the old vice is with your values and beliefs. 

Four: Source the Mentors / community that either abstain or consume this vice infrequently or in moderation. 

Five: Source the Anti-mentors that are held back by their addiction / preoccupation with this vice.

Six: Find a Reward to help strengthen the habit of breaking up with your ex. 

Seven: Consider the way you respond to Expectations and utilise this valuable self knowledge. 

That’s it for today in Healthification. I know I’ve been a little quiet on the interview front however I do have a lot of awesome interviews in the pipeline which I’m super excited to share with you.

In fact next month I’ll be chatting to New York Times best selling author James Clear about his amazing book Atomic Habits and why true behaviour change is really identity change. I spend a heap of time thinking about habits, discipline, identity beliefs… and yet I’ve learnt so much from James that I want to share with you.

If you’ve enjoyed this show and gotten value out of it would you consider sharing it with someone close to you? I’ve been doing some work to improve distribution / visibility of the show so it’s now available across iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify and hopefully other platforms too. However a recommendation from you to someone who you think would find value in the show would truly be most awesome!

The Healthification podcast is proudly bought to you by my FREE ‘Easy Vegan’ plan. It took me 25 years to transition from a meat eater to a happy, healthy Vegan! You can do it in just 3 days with  my simplified ‘easy vegan’ plan!  Get the fit, strong, and healthy plant based body you deserve… while avoiding ALL the mistakes I made along the way!

Till next time, remember Creating a body and life you love is Freedom. (If this ex-carb queen, non genetically gifted, naturally uncoordinated vegan chick can do it – so can YOU!!!)

If you liked “How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Vice” you’ll also like: Fat Loss for those with a Love of VICE

If you’re yet to share the Healthification love – just click here to zip over to iTunes and leave an honest rating and review. It’d help me out big time. With gratitude, Kate.