In my early twenties I went out with a guy who was really judgmental.
Not so much of me – I like to think that relationship wouldn’t have lasted 4 years if he was constantly judging me the way he did everyone around us!
The thing is, the outcomes were perhaps just as detrimental.
Because in hindsight, I became more and more judgmental too. Of MYSELF and of others.
Oh, and I also experienced more judgement being reflected back at me. That is how this worthless emotion works.
It FEEDS off itself.
And whatever stirs the emotion in you, Is You. To one extreme or the other.
Maybe you are too (insert trait you’re judging someone on here) OR alternatively, perhaps you are absolutely lacking in (insert that trait again). Here is how it can limit your fat loss:
=> Believe the lady who always makes time for her training and food preparation is shallow?
Obsessed? Vain? Maybe selfish? Has zero Career Drive?
AND, does that help you take the consistent exercise and food actions you need to?
When you are judging someone else you do so without all the facts. You are guessing what motivates them to take certain actions based on your personal *MAP of the world…
*MAP, is a Neural Linguistic Programming term to describe an individuals perception of the world. Your perception of the world will be formed by your experiences, beliefs and values. It guides your feelings and behaviours. You can imagine certain upbringings could restrict the choices people have available to them – both literally and via the beliefs and value systems that have been formed to survive.
(back to what I was saying) …you are guessing what motivates them to take certain actions based on your personal *map of the world and then judging them on that.
=> Equally how often do you judge YOUR life and success (warts and all) based on the high-light reel of someone else’s life?
You see their current success and perhaps your current perceived lack of success in a certain area and BAM draw the conclusion “I’m just rubbish at that, not meant to be successful/thin/in a relationship… why should I even try?” when you have no idea of the ‘failures’, doubt, obstacles they’ve encountered (and just not broadcasted to the world).
Here’s the scary thing.
The more judgement you send out into the world – the more will come shooting right back at you… and it’s really not a fun way to live.
So how about if we turn our natural tendency to judge into something more useful?
Step One: is Awareness.
So many of our thoughts and actions happen on auto-pilot. What about if next time judgement starts to rear it’s head, you see it as an indicator to an aspect of your life that might be outta whack?
If those emotions that are being stirred Are YOU, then is it something that is over-represented in your life or under-represented?
Bear in mine we will be automatically running judgement programs based on beliefs we formed as kids. If you had the experience of growing up in a family where one parent ‘walked all over’ the other – perhaps they had affairs, or maybe it seemed that every life decision was based around their career and the second parent just fitted in – then you’ll be more inclined to judge someone you encounter based on how closely they resemble the pattern from your childhood you are not wanting to recreate.
So, the judgmental guy I went out with in my early 20’s?
He was absolutely looking to NOT meet a girl who treated him like his mum treated his dad. Any little hint that I might be strong willed, independent and not wrapped around his little finger (!) was to him an indication I would turn into his mum. Equally I had my own judgements and patterns I was looking to avoid… most foremost, that I was strong willed, independent and absolutely not wrapped around anyones little finger!
Step Two: is Understand what a wasted emotion judgement is.
It’s costing you time and energy and it’s giving you nothing… oh, except perhaps an excuse to keep people at a distance or to not even try to achieve your own goals.
Assuming you don’t want to keep people at a distance and you do want to achieve your goals then what else could you replace judgement with? An emotion that will be of value to you.
Perhaps acceptance. Or maybe fascination?
How boring would the world truly be if everyone was the same as you? Or me?
I’d be out of a job for a start if everyone was the same as me. And I love my job!
If everyone placed the same emphasis on health that I do there’d be no-one out there showing me how to be an amazing wife, mum, entrepreneur, cook… or a limitless amount of other skills that other people put their primary emphasis on.
Rather than judging the devoted house-wife and amazing cook on how she doesn’t work and doesn’t get to exercise regularly, how much more enjoyable to instead be fascinated by what drives her to create those stunning meals for her family?
The funny thing is that if you get the opportunity to really understand what drives her, you’ll likely find strong parallels to what drives you. You’re just choosing different vehicles.
Cooking for her will satisfy Tony Robbin’s 6 Core Needs (I cover the 6 core needs in the #046 show).
It’ll provide Certainty.
and also Variety.
It’ll be a way to communicate Love and Connection.
and will satisfy her need for Significance.
Finally it will like allow her to experience Growth and Contribution.
Judgement emanates from ignorance.
Curiosity, Fascination and Acceptance are your solutions to ignorance and the judgement it fuels.
And what about the person who you truly 100% from the bottom of your heart know to be deserving of your harsh judgement? I get that they do exist. My hope is that you don’t get to cross paths with them.
However if you do: You have the choice to give your energy to the emotions that make you feel worse. To focus on all that is bad and to fuel the judgement.
Or, to see them as the anti-mentor, the perfect example of how not to live your life… and then focus your energy on the 99% of people who are instead deserving of your acceptance.
Because what you focus on expands.
and Perception is Projection.
And so we’ve come right back to YOU. The more you focus on what there is to accept rather than judge in others the more acceptance will be reflected right back at you.
And the number one most important person deserving of your acceptance?
That would be YOU.
Wow, so must absolutely be at the time of the actionable. I’d like you to think of one area of your life in which you are your own harshest judge… and it’s not serving you?
Next up, four steps:
One: Quit Judging “Why can’t I?” – because that only leads your mind to generate more reasons why you can’t.
Two: Accept that you haven’t yet – for a reason, based on your unique perception of the world.
Three: Get really Curious about first “For what purpose?” you are taking the ineffective actions (or choosing inaction) that has created this situation in your life. It gets you something OR allows you to avoid something.
NOW, Four: Get even more Curious about “How can I?” get the outcome you are seeking.
That’s it for today… in tomorrows Thursday Training show I’m taking the ‘Fav Work-out This Week’ format for a spin again with work-out #2.
If you liked this you’ll also like: How To Program Your Thoughts To Create The Fit, Lean, Healthy Body You Were Born To ROCK 24/7 365 Days.
If you’re yet to share the Healthification love – just click here to zip over to iTunes and leave an honest rating and review. It’d help me out big time. With gratitude, Kate.